Two Dishwashers

There was a lady in the store one day shopping with a few of her friends. She came up to the register to pay and noticed a magnet we sell: a rotating magnet for your dishwasher....one side says "Clean", the other says "Dirty".

She turned to her friends and said, "I should totally get this magnet. The kids are always asking which dishwasher to put the dishes in, it's really annoying."

I expected her friends to start giggling and ranting about their own duplicate-appliance 'troubles'. Instead, her one friend blurted..."Ohhhhh, your kids don't know which dishwasher is clean or dirty, which one to put the dirty dishes in....how annoying."

I did everything in my power to not start fist-pumping and woo-ing, like I was watching a boxing match. All I could do was give her a *mental*......high-fiiiiiiiiive!

Warning: Knives are SHARP (Part 3)

::Prefacing this post with *DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME*, doesn't make you cool::

We get some dudes who come in to look at knives who are "experts". How do I know they're "experts"? Oh, because they test how sharp the knives are by shaving the hair off their arms/knuckles, scraping away at their skin and chipping away at their fingernails.

You know what, some might say that's the way to do it.......fine (not really). But when these dudes leave their hair, skin and fingernail shavings on the knife and hand it back to you---that's when we have a problem, Captain. *gag*

Do you not seeeeeee the black hairs you've left on the edge of the blade?! Are you unawaaaaare that there are thin pieces of your skin dangling from the edge?! Do you not seeeeeee the shavings of your grungy fingernails that are sitting on the edge of the knife?!

I can see the hairs. I can see the skin. I can see the fingernail shavings. I now know that you are definitely the dude who leaves pee on the toilet seat and doesn't flush. That's basically what you're doing right now. You are handing me your pee-puddled toilet seat.

You may as well pull up a chair and start pedi-egging your feet in front of me. *gag*

My point, Captain, is that you don't have to shave off pieces of your body in order to find out if the knives are sharp...doesn't make you an "expert", doesn't make you cool. However, if you insist on doing this.....clean off the damn knife before handing it back to me. And please, please, pleeeaaaase don't cut yourself in the process!

Warning: Knives are SHARP (Part 2)

The knives we carry are hanging behind the counter for a reason. They're there so that WE pull them down for customers, not the other way around. Cuz, you know.....they're sharp and stuff.

So why is it, then, that customers feel NO barrier and mosey on back there to haphazardly take knives off the wall? Oh, and by 'take off the wall', I mean carelessly yank the sharp objects and let them dangle from their slimy, ungripped hands....

What's really awesome is when someone comes behind the counter, starts messing with the knives......I give them the "Sir, we prefer that customers don't take the knives off the wall. I'd be happy to pull them down for you" and they continue to do what they're doing. Let me rephrase that...."Douche, we don't want you back here cuz you'll cut yourself or break something. BACK. UP."

Or they act super surprised, like "Ohhh, gosh, what was I thinking?" Yeah douche, what were you thinking?

What's even betterrrrr is when someone clearly doesn't know how to get the knife off the wall and drops one or two.....Cool lady, I needed some puncture wounds on my feet. How'd ya know?!

That's usually the cue to back up, try and wipe the *what are you doooooooing?* look off my face and stop the situation from getting worse.

The knives are behind the counter for a reason people......they're SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARP.

When a Customer's Got Yo' Back

So it's a rare occasion, but every once in awhile a customer comes in who's got yo' back.

A few years ago one of our chronic returners/neurotic customers (we'll call her "CRNC") came in to ask me 1000 ridiculous questions about something. She had brought a catalog to show me that was in her bag, so she bent down to get it. In the meantime, there had been a woman walking around shopping who was ready to pay. So while CRNC was digging through her bag of crazy, I started ringing the other woman up.

As soon as CRNC came up for air and realized I was helping another customer, she got upset *wide, crazy eyes* and blurted, "Well, you were helping meeee." I responded with, "I'll be right with you. You were looking through your bag and this customer was ready to pay."

She got extremely flustered and started murmuring under her breath, "Well, I let people take advantage of me", "It's my own fault really, I let them do it", etc. The customer I was helping gave me the *wtf is she tawkin' about* look, turned to CRNC and said, "Actually, that's not what's happening at all. She isn't taking advantage of you....no one is taking advantage of you. You were digging through your bag and I was ready to check out."

CRNC just stared at her and kept her mouth shut. I did everything in my power not to raise my hand and give this lady a high five. We finished up the transaction, I gave her big smile and a very loud, "Have a nice day" and went back to crazyland with CRNC.

So yes, it is an extremely rare occasion.....but every once in awhile, a customer's got yo' back!

Leaving Things on the Counter (Part 1)

I've never understood this--->Someone will be shopping around the store and will repeatedly walk up to the counter to leave what they're buying there and continue shopping. I can understand if they were buying something large like a toaster or coffee machine.....no problem, leave it there! Hell, I'll probably take it out of your hands and put it there for you.

Why, though, must they "drop off" e-v-e-r-y s-i-n-g-l-e item on the counter while they're shopping? It's not that they juuuuust so happen to be near the counter and decide to leave it there. They could be at the very front of the store......and they still walk over and place the item down on the counter. They could be at the very back of the store.....and they still walk over and place the item down on the counter.

Is that their form of exercise everyday? Doing laps back and forth with "heavy" objects like wooden spoons, bottle stoppers and pop-up sponges?

It not only crowds the counter, it's also a TOTAL pump-fake. Each time they come up to the register, they stay juuuuust long enough to where I think they're done shopping......propose the question, "Are you all set?" and get the giggly, "Noooo, (hehe) still shopping" response.

*Fantasy scenario*......"Oh, (hehe) you're still shopping?" (walk over, grab a basket--clear everything off the counter with one big swipe of the arm) *hand them basket* "Here you go, Dorothy."

"Do you need help finding anything?"

Simple question...."Do you need help finding anything?"

That doesn't mean, sort of mumble an answer that trails off into the windy sounds coming from the A/C. That also doesn't mean, sort of include me while you mumble throughout your entire shopping experience in the store.

This is an instance when I would like for you to ignore me. Answer my question and move on, please.

When Adults Act Like Babies

What it really boils down to, is that I am a babysitter. I have to babysit these "adults" aka "adult babies" every day. I have to make sure they don't break anything, cut themselves with knives....I have to show them how to use something as simple as an orange peeler, tell them "NO" when they're doing something they shouldn't be doing. Too bad I can't give them a time-out or have them go stand in the corner when they're bad. *::fantasizing::*

There's nothing more disturbing or unattractive than when one of the adult babies (AB's) ask me something and when it's not what they want to hear, they do one or many of the following:

-pout and give me the 'puppy dog face'
-respond in a baby voice
-pretend to cry
-have a slight 'baby fit' where they shake their body, make an ugly face and make weird noises

What. Is. Wrong. With. You. You are 45 years old. Do you think that if you do those things, what you're looking for is magically going to appear? This isn't a Disney movie, AB. I am not your fairy godmother that's going to wave her wand and make kitchen supplies appear out of nowhere.

When this happens, I don't let the "you're pathetic" look even appear on my face. I just watch them in disbelief, instantly embarrassed for them and the way they're behaving. Like when a child is flipping out and the parent just stands there and waits for them to stop. Yup. That's me. Except I'm only the babysitter. The AB babysitter. I can't tell the "adults" they're acting like babies.....