I can spell "Bob", seriously.

When I'm writing down a customer's name and phone number, this often happens......

Me: "Your last name?"

Them: "Smith. S, as in Sam. M, as in Mary. I, as in Indiana. T, as in Tom. H, as in Hawaii."

Me: "Your first name?"

Them: "Nancy. N, as in nice. A, as in apple. N, as in nice. C, as in cat. Y, as in yes."

Okay, SERIOUSLY?! You are standing right in front of me. You are literally a few inches away from my ears and you're spelling out something as simple as "Smith" & "Nancy"?! We're *not* on the phone, we are practically touching hands and you feel the need to spell out your ENTIRE name!

What is wrong with you?! Are you trying to make your boring-a** name sound more interesting by spelling it out and making references to apples and Hawaii? NOT. WORKINGGG.

How about I spell *this* out for you......

I'M ---> I, as in idiot. M, as in moron.

NOT ---> N, as in nuisance. O, as in obnoxious. T, as in time to stop spelling "Nancy".

FIVE ---> F, as in foolish. I, as in ignorant. V, as in very stupid. E, as in education...which apparently you don't think I have, because you're standing here spelling out "Nancy Smith".

You got that, Nancy?? "I'm. Not. Five." As in.....I'm not five-years-old. I CAN SPELL.

I'm just *waiting* for the day that "Bob" comes in and tries spelling out his name for me!

Baby Steps _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

This happens often and it drives me craaaazy....a customer will come up to the counter and ask if we carry something, let's say a *corkscrew*, for example. I will walk over to where the corkscrews are and when I turn around to interact with them, they are still standing at the counter......WAITING for me to bring over all 6 types that we carry. Sometimes they're not even looking at me---just staring straight ahead waiting.

Ummm, no.......*head/hand zig-zag*---> I. Don't. Think. So. Walk your lazy a** over here and check them out for yourself, cuz I I'm not bringing all 6 over to you!

I don't see a caaaaaane. You're not limping. Get yo' a** over here. I am not your servant, nor am I your personal assistant. Nope. No. Nada.

*Obnoxious, high-pitched voice* Come on, youuuuuuu can do it! One foot in front of the other......baby steps! *clapping* Yayyyyy!!

Get yo' credit card outta ma' face

A customer will come to the counter to be rung up, whip out their credit card at the VERY beginning (before anything is even scanned), and hold it in ma' face the ENTIRE time. Ummmm....do you seriously not realize that nothing has been done yet? I haven't even picked up one of your items and you already have your credit card out and in ma' face.

I don't know who I hate more......the customer that leaves the credit card on the counter for me to pick up, or the customer who holds their credit card in ma' face for 2-3 minutes while I'm scanning their items.

It's great that you're prepared and ready to pay for your purchase *gold star!*, but damn....back the credit card up!! Sometimes they hold it so close to me that it literally gets in the way while I'm scanning each item...yet they still don't move. Once in awhile I just have to take it out of their hands and place it down on the counter, so I don't reach the point where I freak out and throw it across the store.

There is an order in which things HAVE to be done, people.....I can't swipe your credit card BEFORE your items are scanned. If I did that, you'd be paying for n.o.t.h.i.n.g. Why is that so hard to understand??

Get yo' credit card outta ma' face!

Braids

"Braids" is a nickname I gave to one of our customers......let me paint the picture for you: lady (probably in her early 40s), wore a jean-jumper with a pastel colored turtleneck, colored socks that were visible, outdated shoes (prob Keds) and ALWAYS had two braids like Laura from Little House On The Prairie. *smokin' hot*

Braids came in just about every day for about 2 or 3 months--not once, not twice, but usually about three times a day.....with her dog, Ralphie (poor Ralphie). The thing about Braids that set her apart from all the other jean-jumper-wearing weirdos is that everything she bought HAD to be stainless steel. Not aluminum, not tinned steel, but stainless steeeeeeel.

She'd come in for her first trip of the day and find something that she liked made out of stainless steel. She'd hold it for awhile, think about it, then leave with poor little Ralphie.

Sometimes she'd be back in 20 minutes, sometimes a few hours......needless to say, she'd be back for her second trip of the day. She'd find the stainless steel item she was obsessing over, hold it for awhile, think about it.....sometimes she'd come up to the counter and in her quiet, mousy voice confirm with us that it was, in fact, made out of stainless steel.

One day she was obsessing over a utensil bar, made out of none other than......can you guess, can you guess?! Stainless steel! DING DING DING!!!

She placed the utensil bar on the table, took a few steps back, crossed her arms/hand up to chin, stared at it and pondered.

After staring and pondering for a long time, instead of hanging it back up on the pot rack hook where she got it from she decided to "hide it"---cuz you know, someone might buy it in between her second and third trip to the store!

She proceeded to lay it on the top of the pot rack...not sure whether she thought maybe someone wouldn't be able to see it or reach it, but I watched the entire thing. I saw it! I could reach it! As soon as she left I took it down and hung it back up with a very puzzled look on my face.

Another day...she came in, performed her usual routine and decided to buy a tea bag holder. About an hour later she called and asked if the entire thing was made out of stainless steel. The answer was "no". A little while later she came back for probably the third or fourth time that day and returned it....cuz, you know, it wasn't entirely made out of stainless steeeeeeel!

I came to the conclusion that Braids lived in a stainless steel house where EVERYTHING was stainless steel.....toilet seat, table, chairs, BED. (I bet she's neighbors with the "Made in China" people!) Man, poor Ralphie.....

When a Customer's Got Yo' Back

So it's a rare occasion, but every once in awhile a customer comes in who's got yo' back.

A few years ago one of our chronic returners/neurotic customers (we'll call her "CRNC") came in to ask me 1000 ridiculous questions about something. She had brought a catalog to show me that was in her bag, so she bent down to get it. In the meantime, there had been a woman walking around shopping who was ready to pay. So while CRNC was digging through her bag of crazy, I started ringing the other woman up.

As soon as CRNC came up for air and realized I was helping another customer, she got upset *wide, crazy eyes* and blurted, "Well, you were helping meeee." I responded with, "I'll be right with you. You were looking through your bag and this customer was ready to pay."

She got extremely flustered and started murmuring under her breath, "Well, I let people take advantage of me", "It's my own fault really, I let them do it", etc. The customer I was helping gave me the *wtf is she tawkin' about* look, turned to CRNC and said, "Actually, that's not what's happening at all. She isn't taking advantage of you....no one is taking advantage of you. You were digging through your bag and I was ready to check out."

CRNC just stared at her and kept her mouth shut. I did everything in my power not to raise my hand and give this lady a high five. We finished up the transaction, I gave her big smile and a very loud, "Have a nice day" and went back to crazyland with CRNC.

So yes, it is an extremely rare occasion.....but every once in awhile, a customer's got yo' back!

MUST COME IN BOX.

Customers want all of the products they buy to come in a BOX. It doesn't matter if they're buying a toaster oven or just a silly little orange peeler---> MUST COME IN BOX.

(If we kept the boxes for all of the products we carry, we'd be limited to maaaaybe 100 items.....given the space we have in the store. The majority of packaging in and/or around the product is usually completely unnecessary and a waste of treeeeeees!)

God for-freakin-bid we don't have a box and the item the customer is purchasing is a gift. Hasn't anyone ever heard of gift BAGS?! I always suggest putting it in a gift bag and am usually shot down with either a dirty look or MAJOR confusion.....like, "I can put this in a gift bag? Really?". Really, I pinky swear you can! They come in all sizes and colors...some of them are even SPARKLY!!!

What puzzles me the most is when as soon as they hear it doesn't come in a box (even if there was never a box for it in the first place), they decide not to buy it. Like, let's trek over to Williams Sonoma and pay double the amount of $ just because it comes in a BOX.

MUST COME IN BOX. MUST COME IN BOX.

Dear Customer (Part une)

Dear Customer,

When you walk into the store and I greet you with a friendly "Hello", please acknowledge my "hello". It's the nice and proper thing to do. You don't have to respond with the same greeting, there are a variety of things you could say. Like....."Hey", or "Oh, hi", or "Bonjour", or "Yo yo", or even just simply hit me up with a smile.

Sometimes when you don't respond, I think...maybe they didn't hear me, I'll give it another try. But when you don't respond to my second and louDER "Hello", I think....damn, you're just plain rude.

I realize that some of you are weird and afraid of social interactions, but most of you that don't respond just choose not to.

Maybe the next time one of you asks to use the bathroom because you're about to pee in your pants, I'll just pretend not to hear you....like you pretend not to hear me.

Have a great day!