Mark your calendar!

Okay, so I think I've established the fact that I deal with a lot of annoying, rude customers. Well what *really* brightens my day, is when one of the ARC's (Annoying Rude Customers) calls, chews my ear off asking 1000 questions and then tells me EXACTLY what day and time they'll be coming in. Awesome!

So not only have I had to deal with you on the phone, but now I can mark off your next visit on my freakin calendar. Yay! I'm *so* glad you told me when you'll be coming in......something to look forward to!!

At least *surprise* me with your annoying self. ::*jeeze*:: Now when that day comes, I'm gonna cringe every time a customer walks through that door thinking it's YOU. Why don't you just give me a description of what you'll be wearing, too.....so at least I know it's you, the ARC, walking in to torment me!

I can spell "Bob", seriously.

When I'm writing down a customer's name and phone number, this often happens......

Me: "Your last name?"

Them: "Smith. S, as in Sam. M, as in Mary. I, as in Indiana. T, as in Tom. H, as in Hawaii."

Me: "Your first name?"

Them: "Nancy. N, as in nice. A, as in apple. N, as in nice. C, as in cat. Y, as in yes."

Okay, SERIOUSLY?! You are standing right in front of me. You are literally a few inches away from my ears and you're spelling out something as simple as "Smith" & "Nancy"?! We're *not* on the phone, we are practically touching hands and you feel the need to spell out your ENTIRE name!

What is wrong with you?! Are you trying to make your boring-a** name sound more interesting by spelling it out and making references to apples and Hawaii? NOT. WORKINGGG.

How about I spell *this* out for you......

I'M ---> I, as in idiot. M, as in moron.

NOT ---> N, as in nuisance. O, as in obnoxious. T, as in time to stop spelling "Nancy".

FIVE ---> F, as in foolish. I, as in ignorant. V, as in very stupid. E, as in education...which apparently you don't think I have, because you're standing here spelling out "Nancy Smith".

You got that, Nancy?? "I'm. Not. Five." As in.....I'm not five-years-old. I CAN SPELL.

I'm just *waiting* for the day that "Bob" comes in and tries spelling out his name for me!

*Quote of the Day*

"I need one that's long and pointy."

Credit Card Lady.....*cough*

So I was getting over a bad cold, but still couldn't shake my cough. I was ringing a lady up at the register and when I told her the total she takes out her credit card, pauses and says to me, "Can *she* swipe my credit card?" (pointing to my co-worker) My co-worker tells her, "Oh, she can swipe it for you." I'm thinking, lady, why are you asking her when *I'm* the one ringing you up and helping you?

The woman says to her, "She's sick." My co-worker tells her, "Well, she *just* washed her hands." (which was true, I had JUST washed my hands) "And JUST coughed on them," the lady snootily responds.

She tells me that she just got over being sick......she was so sick she had to take time off work, blah blah blah. All the while *clinging* to her credit card for dear life!

My co-worker then chimes in and says, "Actually, I caught a cold from *her*.....so she's getting better and I'm getting worse." ::*love it!*:: The mortified look on her face was PRICELESS. She had this look like, "Oh jesus, what am I gonna doooooo?!! They're all sick! They're all gonna get ME sick!!"

She then had the balls to ask me, "Can I come around the counter and swipe it?" I'm thinking......helloooooooooooooo, you moron! The doorknob you touched when you walked in the store is 1000x's more dirty than my freakin' hands! If you're soooo worried about getting sick, why did you even leave your damn house this morning? You couldn't go another day without that *precious* sponge?!?!

I tell her NO, but if she'd like me to I will go wash my hands. (I'm thinking, has it really come to this? This woman is that *scared* of me getting her sick that she won't hand over her credit card.) She stood there contemplating what she should do.....wasting my freakin' time. *Losing my patience* I tell her AGAIN, if you'd like me to go wash my hands, I will.

After a very long *annoying* pause, she says, "Okay, yes."

I went and washed my *germy* hands and she forked over the card......FINALLY. It took all of the willpower I had in me not to cough all over that goddamn credit card and throw it in her face, *frisbee style*!

*Quote of the Day*

"Hold it real tight so it doesn't shoot out the end."

Slobbery Money

Why, oh WHY, do you need to lick your fingers before taking out your dollar bills and handing them to me? They're not brand new bills that are sticking together. In fact, they're wrinkly old bills that are very easy to take out one by one withOUT licking your fingers.

Do you think I now want to touch those bills? The answer is no......NO. I don't want to have anything to do with those bills now that you've touched them with your slobbery fingers. Gross. Let me go grab a pair of tongs.....seriously.

Would you like it if I spit on my fingers before giving you back your change?....What was that?....No, you wouldn't? Yeah, I didn't think so. Then why would you think I would be okay with it? Not cool....in fact, disgusting.

Onion Goggles

People are OBSESSED with Onion Goggles. I've never seen anyone get so excited and giddy as do customers when they discover that we have onion goggles. Most people don't even know they exist, so when they stumble upon them they seriously have a laughing fit for at least 2 minutes.

"Onion Goggles??!! Hahahahahahahahaha." Ummm...... seriously? Chill. Calm down. They're just onion goggles. You really don't need them, but if you're gonna buy them can you *please* not discuss how funny they are or how usually you take your kids' swim goggles when you're cutting an onion and now you'll have a pair of your own!

Had a woman purchase a pair recently and she asked, "What are my color options?" I said, "Black." She responded with, "Tah, seriously?!" Uh, yeah lady.....seriously. *Seriously*....you don't need the goggles to match your outfit. *hair-twirl, flaky giggle* It's okay, black matches EVERYTHING!!!

Always In My Way

It doesn't matter where I am in the store, where I need to go or what I need to stock the shelves with......there is ALWAYS someone in my way. It's like a *not-so-funny* joke being played on me, ALL THE TIME.

If I'm unpacking a shipment and turn around to put the items out on the shelves, there's someone there! So I'll wait and grab something else to put out, and get this.......someone is where that needs to go!

The customers are like magnets that parallel my every move and then decide to stick to exactly where I need to be. They *somehow* know where I'm going and HAVE to be there at the very same time. It's come to the point that I sort of assume that someone will be in my way. It's not that customers do this on purpose per se, but it's become this joke that no matter what I need to do someone is always standing right there, blocking where I need to go .

And yes people, I am perfectly capable of saying "excuse me", but since most human beings don't understand that "excuse me" means "get the hell out of my way, please".....it's just better to walk away and avoid the frustration.

*Quote of the Day*

"We're sold out of the number twos right now."

MY time vs. YOUR time

Okay people, get this.......MY time is just as valuable as YOUR time.

What does that mean? It means that when I'm ringing you up at the register and you decide to walk away to look at something *sparkly!* that catches your eye for a whole two minutes, I could be doing something else that needs to be done. Or, when I'm walking over to show you where something is and you stop to *pet* something you see and I'm standing there, waiting.....I could be doing something more productive.

See, here's the thing.......just because I am serving YOU, doesn't mean that MY time isn't as valuable as YOUR time. Do ya get it? *flaky giggle*

The Cleaning Lady Always Gets Blamed

Working in a sort of "upscale" shopping area, we deal with a lot of women who *surprisingly* run their own errands, yet can't/don't/won't do their own dishes....laundry....cooking. As a result, they give these tasks to their cleaning ladies.

I'm the lucky gal that gets to hear things like, *yuppie voice* "My cleeeeaning lady ruined my knives"...."My fryyyyyy pan got ruined because the cleeeeaning lady put it in the dishwasher".....

Well, did you ever tell your CL not to put your fry pan in the dishwasher? I'd bet five whole dollars you never did!

Sometimes it seems as though they expect me to respond with, "OMG, your cleeeeaning lady doesn't KNOW not to put your fry pan in the dishwasher?!" Yeah, not gonna happen. I'm my own cleaning lady, sweetie.....I have no sympathy for you.

The cleaning lady always gets blamed......

Baby Steps _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

This happens often and it drives me craaaazy....a customer will come up to the counter and ask if we carry something, let's say a *corkscrew*, for example. I will walk over to where the corkscrews are and when I turn around to interact with them, they are still standing at the counter......WAITING for me to bring over all 6 types that we carry. Sometimes they're not even looking at me---just staring straight ahead waiting.

Ummm, no.......*head/hand zig-zag*---> I. Don't. Think. So. Walk your lazy a** over here and check them out for yourself, cuz I I'm not bringing all 6 over to you!

I don't see a caaaaaane. You're not limping. Get yo' a** over here. I am not your servant, nor am I your personal assistant. Nope. No. Nada.

*Obnoxious, high-pitched voice* Come on, youuuuuuu can do it! One foot in front of the other......baby steps! *clapping* Yayyyyy!!

Get yo' credit card outta ma' face

A customer will come to the counter to be rung up, whip out their credit card at the VERY beginning (before anything is even scanned), and hold it in ma' face the ENTIRE time. Ummmm....do you seriously not realize that nothing has been done yet? I haven't even picked up one of your items and you already have your credit card out and in ma' face.

I don't know who I hate more......the customer that leaves the credit card on the counter for me to pick up, or the customer who holds their credit card in ma' face for 2-3 minutes while I'm scanning their items.

It's great that you're prepared and ready to pay for your purchase *gold star!*, but damn....back the credit card up!! Sometimes they hold it so close to me that it literally gets in the way while I'm scanning each item...yet they still don't move. Once in awhile I just have to take it out of their hands and place it down on the counter, so I don't reach the point where I freak out and throw it across the store.

There is an order in which things HAVE to be done, people.....I can't swipe your credit card BEFORE your items are scanned. If I did that, you'd be paying for n.o.t.h.i.n.g. Why is that so hard to understand??

Get yo' credit card outta ma' face!

Not Taking the Receipt

The following are the different scenarios that happen when customers don't want their receipt (in no specific order).....

1. Refusing to take it---> I'll be handing them their receipt and they literally refuse it. They don't put out their hand to take it, they usually put out their hand like they're going to smack mine if I don't move it soon.

2. Leaving it on the counter---> The customer takes the receipt when I give it to them, the transaction/interaction is over, they leave......I glance over at the counter and there's the receipt. Just sitting there waiting to be thrown away. Cuz, you know...it's waaaay too much effort for them to ask me to throw it away.

3. The head-shake---> Rather than just saying, "I don't need the receipt", they give me the silent head-shake. Like when you ask a little kid if they want some more broccoli and they give you that 10 second *nooooooooooooo* shaking-of-the-head.

4. "I'm gonna let you keep that"---> Is what they say to me. Oh, thanks!! You're gonna let me (!) KEEP your receipt??!! What did I do to deserve THIS?? I can't believe you're letting me....Soweeeeeet! I'm gonna stash it in my special "receipt box" I keep behind the counter and take home with me at the end of the day. Yes! One more for the collection!!

5. "I'm gonna let you throw that away"---> Oh my gosh, I'm allowed (!) to throw away your receipt?? Wow, thank you.....what an honor! I don't know what to say.....

Actually, I DO know what to say. How about you just TAKE the damn receipt, you annoying human being...OR, ask me *nicely* to throw it away for you. None of this "letting me" crap or staying mute while silently refusing this piece of paper.

I can get it cheaper online...

People often come in and when I tell them the price of something they respond with, "I can get it cheaper online." Awesome, dude. Then get it online. DO IT. Oh, and thanks for telling me! Have fun paying $10-20 for shipping!!

You know what, yes.....some things you can find cheaper online. That's not the point. The point is a. Wouldn't you want to support your local, independent businesses? and b. Why do you feel the need to tell me that you aren't going to make your purchase here? You can just say thanks and walk away. I don't need your online attitude, bro.

A major reason why sales have dropped for independent businesses is having to compete with online purchasing from Amazon, etc. So why must you remind me of this, douche? Do you think I'm going to be like, "Ohhhhhh....you can find it cheaper online?? *flaky giggle* Wow, let me give you a huge discount and a big high five!"

*Soup Nazi inspired* "No discounts or high fives for YOU!"

I'm RIGHT here. I can HEAR you.

I DESPISE this....rather than just coming up and asking me where something is, a customer will be right in front of me and loUDLY say to the person they're with, "I don't see it, do you see it? Maybe they don't have it..." and continue to look around for it. Or they'll walk up to their friend, right in front of me, and say....."Why don't you ask her if they carry it?"

Hellooooooooooooo?! I'm RIGHT HERE people! I can HEAR YOU! Why don't you stop all of this passive aggressive BS and just tell me what you're looking for!! What is the point in even saying these things to each other? Seriously, what is the point??

I'M. RIGHT. HEEEEEEEEEEEERE.

*Quote of the Day*

"Can I get another rubber?"

Double-Parked

Often we get customers who double-park and run into the store for something. Just because they've made the bad decision to leave their car in the middle of the road with their hazards on, they expect you to drop everything and tend to them.

This causes a problem when you're already helping a customer. *hehehe* As a result they hover, breathe heavy, let out big sighs, wave their hands/arms and usually break down and just blatantly interrupt.

Regardless if you can answer their question or direct them to what they're looking for, they still have to wait until you're done with the customer. *hehehe*

When it's their "turn" to be helped and pay for their purchase, you can usually find them frantically looking out the window scouting for meter maids. I'll be standing there waiting for them to walk back over and give me their money.....once again, on THEIR time.

What bothers me most about this type of situation is that people expect things to happen on their time and their time ONLY. They expect me to abandon the customer I'm in the middle of helping and tend to them because they might get a ticket.

When I'm handing someone their money and have to wait for them to stop messing with their Blackberry, I don't throw a hissy-fit. I don't let out any big sighs or start waving my hands and arms. *There might be times when I'd like to, but I refrain from doing so.*

You have chosen to double-park your car. I realize that you don't want a ticket, but you need to CHILL OUT and wait your turn. Maybe next time instead of making the foolish decision to abandon your car in the middle of the road, you can actually *crazy idea* park it in a parking spot. I know it's a hard concept to fathom, but lots of people do it every single day.

Lower. Your. Voice.

Today my co-worker and I were standing around the counter chatting and some guy's cell phone starting to ring. By ring, I mean blasting some awful ringtone at fuLL VOLUME! Why is it that whenever someone's ridiculously loud cell phone starts to ring there's no sense of urgency to either silence the phone or answer it quickly??

He s-l-o-w-l-y took it out of his pocket....took a nice, long look at the screen to figure out who was calling and finally answered it.

Well, I thought his awful ringtone was loUD. Nope. Not at all in comparison to the volume at which this man was speaking, or shall I say *screeeeeaming*.

::*Forget megaphones! Just hire this dude to yell out what you need heard*::

I was in the middle of a sentence and I literally could not hear myself speak. I attempted to repeat my sentence, but was cut off by the loudness of his voice....like someone had put duct tape over my mouth or pinched my vocal chords.

He was standing only a few feet away and was completely unaware of how loud he was and clearly unaware of how rude he was being.

I looked at my co-worker with wide-eyes (in disbelief that this was actually happening) and started h-y-s-t-e-r-i-c-a-l-l-y laughing at how ridiculous he was. My back was turned, but even if it wasn't it wouldn't have mattered! This guy was SO unaware of anything going on around him....PLUS, he wouldn't have been able to heeeear me giggling because he was talking SO DAMN LOUD!

Lower. Your. Voice.

Warning: Knives are SHARP (Part 4)

When you're handing a knife back to me, for god's sake don't give it to me like I'm supposed to grab it by the tip of the blade. Turn it around, carefully hold the blade *sharp side away from fingers* and let me grab it by the handle. Since most of you are so careless, it's not really a good idea to point the blade at me only a few inches away from my body. Most of the time you're not paying attention and I really don't feel like being punctured, sliced or shanked.

This particular situation happens every single day. A few years ago I was showing a woman a bunch of paring knives and when she went to hand them back to me, not only was she looking the other way talking to someone, but she was trying to hand me the 3 knives in a cluster---blades facing me. This is when I wish that instead of having to say something, I could just squirt customers with a water gun.....like you do to cats when they're doing something they're not supposed to do.

So I say to her, "Ma'am, you can place the knives down and I'll take them one-by-one." Of course, she doesn't hear me because she's still not paying attention and instead has moved her arm even closer to me.....tips of the blades inches away. I'm like, *loUDER* "Ma'am, I can't take the knives from you like that. You need to place them down on the counter."

She stops yapping to her friend, realizes what she had been doing, acts "shocked" and starts giggling at her carelessness. I don't find it funny. I don't find it amusing. Snap out of it, lady......knives are SHAAAAAAARP!