Warning: Knives are SHARP (Part 4)

When you're handing a knife back to me, for god's sake don't give it to me like I'm supposed to grab it by the tip of the blade. Turn it around, carefully hold the blade *sharp side away from fingers* and let me grab it by the handle. Since most of you are so careless, it's not really a good idea to point the blade at me only a few inches away from my body. Most of the time you're not paying attention and I really don't feel like being punctured, sliced or shanked.

This particular situation happens every single day. A few years ago I was showing a woman a bunch of paring knives and when she went to hand them back to me, not only was she looking the other way talking to someone, but she was trying to hand me the 3 knives in a cluster---blades facing me. This is when I wish that instead of having to say something, I could just squirt customers with a water gun.....like you do to cats when they're doing something they're not supposed to do.

So I say to her, "Ma'am, you can place the knives down and I'll take them one-by-one." Of course, she doesn't hear me because she's still not paying attention and instead has moved her arm even closer to me.....tips of the blades inches away. I'm like, *loUDER* "Ma'am, I can't take the knives from you like that. You need to place them down on the counter."

She stops yapping to her friend, realizes what she had been doing, acts "shocked" and starts giggling at her carelessness. I don't find it funny. I don't find it amusing. Snap out of it, lady......knives are SHAAAAAAARP!

Braids

"Braids" is a nickname I gave to one of our customers......let me paint the picture for you: lady (probably in her early 40s), wore a jean-jumper with a pastel colored turtleneck, colored socks that were visible, outdated shoes (prob Keds) and ALWAYS had two braids like Laura from Little House On The Prairie. *smokin' hot*

Braids came in just about every day for about 2 or 3 months--not once, not twice, but usually about three times a day.....with her dog, Ralphie (poor Ralphie). The thing about Braids that set her apart from all the other jean-jumper-wearing weirdos is that everything she bought HAD to be stainless steel. Not aluminum, not tinned steel, but stainless steeeeeeel.

She'd come in for her first trip of the day and find something that she liked made out of stainless steel. She'd hold it for awhile, think about it, then leave with poor little Ralphie.

Sometimes she'd be back in 20 minutes, sometimes a few hours......needless to say, she'd be back for her second trip of the day. She'd find the stainless steel item she was obsessing over, hold it for awhile, think about it.....sometimes she'd come up to the counter and in her quiet, mousy voice confirm with us that it was, in fact, made out of stainless steel.

One day she was obsessing over a utensil bar, made out of none other than......can you guess, can you guess?! Stainless steel! DING DING DING!!!

She placed the utensil bar on the table, took a few steps back, crossed her arms/hand up to chin, stared at it and pondered.

After staring and pondering for a long time, instead of hanging it back up on the pot rack hook where she got it from she decided to "hide it"---cuz you know, someone might buy it in between her second and third trip to the store!

She proceeded to lay it on the top of the pot rack...not sure whether she thought maybe someone wouldn't be able to see it or reach it, but I watched the entire thing. I saw it! I could reach it! As soon as she left I took it down and hung it back up with a very puzzled look on my face.

Another day...she came in, performed her usual routine and decided to buy a tea bag holder. About an hour later she called and asked if the entire thing was made out of stainless steel. The answer was "no". A little while later she came back for probably the third or fourth time that day and returned it....cuz, you know, it wasn't entirely made out of stainless steeeeeeel!

I came to the conclusion that Braids lived in a stainless steel house where EVERYTHING was stainless steel.....toilet seat, table, chairs, BED. (I bet she's neighbors with the "Made in China" people!) Man, poor Ralphie.....

*Quote of the Day*

"Is this what you bake a cake in?" *holding round cake pan*

Two Dishwashers

There was a lady in the store one day shopping with a few of her friends. She came up to the register to pay and noticed a magnet we sell: a rotating magnet for your dishwasher....one side says "Clean", the other says "Dirty".

She turned to her friends and said, "I should totally get this magnet. The kids are always asking which dishwasher to put the dishes in, it's really annoying."

I expected her friends to start giggling and ranting about their own duplicate-appliance 'troubles'. Instead, her one friend blurted..."Ohhhhh, your kids don't know which dishwasher is clean or dirty, which one to put the dirty dishes in....how annoying."

I did everything in my power to not start fist-pumping and woo-ing, like I was watching a boxing match. All I could do was give her a *mental*......high-fiiiiiiiiive!

Warning: Knives are SHARP (Part 3)

::Prefacing this post with *DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME*, doesn't make you cool::

We get some dudes who come in to look at knives who are "experts". How do I know they're "experts"? Oh, because they test how sharp the knives are by shaving the hair off their arms/knuckles, scraping away at their skin and chipping away at their fingernails.

You know what, some might say that's the way to do it.......fine (not really). But when these dudes leave their hair, skin and fingernail shavings on the knife and hand it back to you---that's when we have a problem, Captain. *gag*

Do you not seeeeeee the black hairs you've left on the edge of the blade?! Are you unawaaaaare that there are thin pieces of your skin dangling from the edge?! Do you not seeeeeee the shavings of your grungy fingernails that are sitting on the edge of the knife?!

I can see the hairs. I can see the skin. I can see the fingernail shavings. I now know that you are definitely the dude who leaves pee on the toilet seat and doesn't flush. That's basically what you're doing right now. You are handing me your pee-puddled toilet seat.

You may as well pull up a chair and start pedi-egging your feet in front of me. *gag*

My point, Captain, is that you don't have to shave off pieces of your body in order to find out if the knives are sharp...doesn't make you an "expert", doesn't make you cool. However, if you insist on doing this.....clean off the damn knife before handing it back to me. And please, please, pleeeaaaase don't cut yourself in the process!

Warning: Knives are SHARP (Part 2)

The knives we carry are hanging behind the counter for a reason. They're there so that WE pull them down for customers, not the other way around. Cuz, you know.....they're sharp and stuff.

So why is it, then, that customers feel NO barrier and mosey on back there to haphazardly take knives off the wall? Oh, and by 'take off the wall', I mean carelessly yank the sharp objects and let them dangle from their slimy, ungripped hands....

What's really awesome is when someone comes behind the counter, starts messing with the knives......I give them the "Sir, we prefer that customers don't take the knives off the wall. I'd be happy to pull them down for you" and they continue to do what they're doing. Let me rephrase that...."Douche, we don't want you back here cuz you'll cut yourself or break something. BACK. UP."

Or they act super surprised, like "Ohhh, gosh, what was I thinking?" Yeah douche, what were you thinking?

What's even betterrrrr is when someone clearly doesn't know how to get the knife off the wall and drops one or two.....Cool lady, I needed some puncture wounds on my feet. How'd ya know?!

That's usually the cue to back up, try and wipe the *what are you doooooooing?* look off my face and stop the situation from getting worse.

The knives are behind the counter for a reason people......they're SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARP.

When a Customer's Got Yo' Back

So it's a rare occasion, but every once in awhile a customer comes in who's got yo' back.

A few years ago one of our chronic returners/neurotic customers (we'll call her "CRNC") came in to ask me 1000 ridiculous questions about something. She had brought a catalog to show me that was in her bag, so she bent down to get it. In the meantime, there had been a woman walking around shopping who was ready to pay. So while CRNC was digging through her bag of crazy, I started ringing the other woman up.

As soon as CRNC came up for air and realized I was helping another customer, she got upset *wide, crazy eyes* and blurted, "Well, you were helping meeee." I responded with, "I'll be right with you. You were looking through your bag and this customer was ready to pay."

She got extremely flustered and started murmuring under her breath, "Well, I let people take advantage of me", "It's my own fault really, I let them do it", etc. The customer I was helping gave me the *wtf is she tawkin' about* look, turned to CRNC and said, "Actually, that's not what's happening at all. She isn't taking advantage of you....no one is taking advantage of you. You were digging through your bag and I was ready to check out."

CRNC just stared at her and kept her mouth shut. I did everything in my power not to raise my hand and give this lady a high five. We finished up the transaction, I gave her big smile and a very loud, "Have a nice day" and went back to crazyland with CRNC.

So yes, it is an extremely rare occasion.....but every once in awhile, a customer's got yo' back!

Leaving Things on the Counter (Part 1)

I've never understood this--->Someone will be shopping around the store and will repeatedly walk up to the counter to leave what they're buying there and continue shopping. I can understand if they were buying something large like a toaster or coffee machine.....no problem, leave it there! Hell, I'll probably take it out of your hands and put it there for you.

Why, though, must they "drop off" e-v-e-r-y s-i-n-g-l-e item on the counter while they're shopping? It's not that they juuuuust so happen to be near the counter and decide to leave it there. They could be at the very front of the store......and they still walk over and place the item down on the counter. They could be at the very back of the store.....and they still walk over and place the item down on the counter.

Is that their form of exercise everyday? Doing laps back and forth with "heavy" objects like wooden spoons, bottle stoppers and pop-up sponges?

It not only crowds the counter, it's also a TOTAL pump-fake. Each time they come up to the register, they stay juuuuust long enough to where I think they're done shopping......propose the question, "Are you all set?" and get the giggly, "Noooo, (hehe) still shopping" response.

*Fantasy scenario*......"Oh, (hehe) you're still shopping?" (walk over, grab a basket--clear everything off the counter with one big swipe of the arm) *hand them basket* "Here you go, Dorothy."

"Do you need help finding anything?"

Simple question...."Do you need help finding anything?"

That doesn't mean, sort of mumble an answer that trails off into the windy sounds coming from the A/C. That also doesn't mean, sort of include me while you mumble throughout your entire shopping experience in the store.

This is an instance when I would like for you to ignore me. Answer my question and move on, please.

When Adults Act Like Babies

What it really boils down to, is that I am a babysitter. I have to babysit these "adults" aka "adult babies" every day. I have to make sure they don't break anything, cut themselves with knives....I have to show them how to use something as simple as an orange peeler, tell them "NO" when they're doing something they shouldn't be doing. Too bad I can't give them a time-out or have them go stand in the corner when they're bad. *::fantasizing::*

There's nothing more disturbing or unattractive than when one of the adult babies (AB's) ask me something and when it's not what they want to hear, they do one or many of the following:

-pout and give me the 'puppy dog face'
-respond in a baby voice
-pretend to cry
-have a slight 'baby fit' where they shake their body, make an ugly face and make weird noises

What. Is. Wrong. With. You. You are 45 years old. Do you think that if you do those things, what you're looking for is magically going to appear? This isn't a Disney movie, AB. I am not your fairy godmother that's going to wave her wand and make kitchen supplies appear out of nowhere.

When this happens, I don't let the "you're pathetic" look even appear on my face. I just watch them in disbelief, instantly embarrassed for them and the way they're behaving. Like when a child is flipping out and the parent just stands there and waits for them to stop. Yup. That's me. Except I'm only the babysitter. The AB babysitter. I can't tell the "adults" they're acting like babies.....

MUST COME IN BOX.

Customers want all of the products they buy to come in a BOX. It doesn't matter if they're buying a toaster oven or just a silly little orange peeler---> MUST COME IN BOX.

(If we kept the boxes for all of the products we carry, we'd be limited to maaaaybe 100 items.....given the space we have in the store. The majority of packaging in and/or around the product is usually completely unnecessary and a waste of treeeeeees!)

God for-freakin-bid we don't have a box and the item the customer is purchasing is a gift. Hasn't anyone ever heard of gift BAGS?! I always suggest putting it in a gift bag and am usually shot down with either a dirty look or MAJOR confusion.....like, "I can put this in a gift bag? Really?". Really, I pinky swear you can! They come in all sizes and colors...some of them are even SPARKLY!!!

What puzzles me the most is when as soon as they hear it doesn't come in a box (even if there was never a box for it in the first place), they decide not to buy it. Like, let's trek over to Williams Sonoma and pay double the amount of $ just because it comes in a BOX.

MUST COME IN BOX. MUST COME IN BOX.

*Mispronunciation of the Day*

"I'm looking for a julie-Anner peeler."

Are you tawking to ME?

The perfect example of what I'm about to tawk about happened today at work: I had just gotten off the phone with a customer and was gathering the pieces of paper I had just written on when a lady off to my right mumbles, "Do you have a powdered sugar shaker?". I could barely hear/understand her, so I looked over at her...she was facing the wall. I'm thinking..."Are you tawking to me?, "Are you tawking to your friend who's standing right there with you?", "Who are you tawwwwking toooooo?"

I say, "Were you saying something to me?". She says, *still not looking at me*..."Yes, do you have a powdered sugar shaker?"

This type of interaction happens ALL THE TIME. I'll be standing at the opposite end of the store doing something and a customer blurts something out and expects me to know that they're tawking to me.

I know I'm asking for a lot, okay....but could you please start off your question or statement with an "Excuse me", "Pardon", or "I have a question for you" so that I know you're speaking to me--especially if you're not going to have the decency to look at me while doing it.

I'll tell you the ways of getting my attention that definitely don't fly with me, or anyone else working in retail for that matter....

1. snapping---makes me wanna snap you.

2. heeelloooooo---not a hello, but a heeellooooo....makes me wanna deliver a, "Hi, asshole."

3. waving the product in the air---
a. are you having a tremor?
b. are you waving at me? Ohhh, hey!
c. are you cheering for a team, imagining that the cheese grater
you're flailing is a pom-pom?....GOOOOO, Tigers!

My ideal response, *Jersey style*..."Are you tawkin' to ME?!

*Mispronunciation of the Day*

"I need a knife for fille-Ting fish."

The "Made in China" People

The "Made in China" people are the customers who won't buy anything that's made in China. You know what, to each his own. I could care less. However, if you're going to insist on being picky.....learn how to read a label, cuz damn....every single item they pick up they have to ask if it's "Made in China".

What's even more annoying is when a customer is looking for something very specific that you can't find anywhere----we have it! (yay)....BUT it's made in China. So the product you've been looking to find for the past 5 years is sitting in your hand right now, but it's MADE IN CHINA! Oh no, can't buy it! I guess they'll just have to spend another 5 years looking for the same damn thing, except made somewhere else. Good luck, cuz you're never going to find it.

It's like, you've wasted hours upon hours of your life for the past 5 years trying to find the stainless steel (brushed, not polished) kitchen towel holder, 4 inches by 2 inches.....the "best product ever" (have to hear that about 8 times throughout the visit) and you have finally found the only store that carries it and you just won't budge. Really? What is wrong with you?

It'd be fun to pull the labels off of all the merchandise and when one of the "Made in China" people comes in and asks where something is made....."That wooden spoon? France!", "The zester? Sweden!", "Espresso maker? Italy!".

I sometimes wonder if the "Made in China" people all live in a house together where nothing they own or touch is made in China...

This is MY dance space, this is YOURS...

Customers feel the need to 'get up in ma' space' way too often than I'd like. What I mean by 'way too often than I'd like' is that I never want you people closer than 18-24 inches from me. I can hear you. I can see you. I can feel your breath on my faaaaaace.

There are times when my personal space is being invaded and when I immediately take two steps back, they take two steps forward---like a magnet. I feel like if I started miming, they'd mime right back! Oh NO...clown image in my head. ::*deep breath*:: I'm okay. Phew.

Anyway, my point is it's not cool. We don't need to be toe-to-toe or holding hands for me to answer your question. Hasn't anyone seen that movie with all the dancing? This ( _____ ) is MY dance space, this ( _____ ) is YOURS...

Manicures

Lots of women come into the store to shop for kitchen stuff right after they've gotten their nails "did". Even if you can't see the lovely manicure they've just gotten, you can tell their nails were just "did" because of the way they handle the merchandise: pinkie up, trying to avoid fingertip contact, palming everything like they're Michael Jordan palming a basketball.

Naturally, when they're ready to pay for their items they need me to help pull out the money/credit card out of their wallet because they don't want to ruin their nails. You're going to think I'm being sarcastic about what I'm about to say, but I'm not.....really. I don't mind pulling the money out. (I pinky-swear I'm being serious) They are actually usually really nice about it and we have this really corny "girlie" moment where we giggle and give each other the 'we've all been there' look.

I'm sure a manicured woman in the future with change my mind about this assessment, but for now......eh, I'll pull out the money. I sure as hell don't have a manicure to ruin...